The Shame of it All

In 1996, I got laid off. I remember it vividly.

I’m not the only one who has ever been laid off, but I sure felt like I was. Walking out of that office block for the final time filled me with shame, and frustration. But, I also felt the seed of hope as I pictured my life as a full-time trader. Could I do it? What would it involve? Would I ever have to go back to a work environment that didn’t nurture my higher purpose?

Those empty days stretched ahead of me – with not much to fill them except for charts. I was forced to feel. To slow down. To acknowledge who I was and what was important to me.

There are so many things happening right now that are cataclysmic. The whole tectonic plate of employment has shifted because of the virus. Our feelings of safety and of what we ‘should be doing' have had a jolt.

I know one thing for sure. You must focus on the things you can control and let the things that you can’t control go. 

Looking back, it seems like everything worked out for me like there was some sort of master plan. I can tell you though … that’s not how it felt at the time. It wasn’t until later – much later – that I could look back and understand what had actually happened.

I felt like my entire identity had been shaken up and that I didn’t really know who I was any more. And research backs that the way you see your own identity and the meaning you attach to how you think about yourself can leave you feeling flawed inadequate or incompetent. (Lewis 1971; Tangney and Dearing 2002). 

While often people use the words shame and guilt interchangeably, there is a different. Shame is when you feel defective in some way such as I am bad, whereas guilt is often related to a specific behaviour such as I did a bad thing. Shame and embarrassment are more common than people realise. When you’re making losses in the markets or defying your own trading rules, it’s easy to mix up your behaviour with who you are as a person. Your behaviour needs to improve if you’re not following your trading plan. It doesn’t mean you’re bad to your core.

Sure, after I had that struggle with my identity, I went on to make my living from the markets, write 6 best-selling books, travel the world helping other traders, and become a full-time parent along with my husband to our two children. However, in those dark, wee small hours of ‘Day 1 as a free person’, I couldn’t have possibly known that lay ahead of me.

Sometimes we can’t see the script we’re following until afterwards. We don’t realise that the puzzle pieces are forming a masterpiece.

Now might be just the time to explore hidden parts of your personality. The adversity might just be part of your stimulus to create a new life, with new rules, constructed the way you always hoped for.

I know you want to sit next to Richard Branson or Elon Musk and absorb some of their energy and inspiration. You’d love to run up those stairs with Rocky, hearing him urge you on so you combat your fears and push you.

I get it.

It’s always easier to achieve if you have some crazy-motivated people by your side, urging you onwards.

But this just won’t happen for you by mistake. It’s purposeful. You choose who you let into your environment and who you listen to. Your wealth thermostat setting is determined through the books you read, the podcasts and show you listen to and the people you associate with.

Your altitude is determined by limiting your time with the small thinkers, and surrounding yourself with the big thinkers.

An exceptional trade comes from following the basics. It’s not as complicated as rocket surgery. The riches come from flawless recognition of a trend, exceptional money management and precise exits. All of these skills are things you can learn.

When you’re at capacity and there is no minute you’re free because you’ve ‘yessed’ yourself stupid, it’s OK to take a step back. The most practical thing to do is yield.

You can even ask your thoughts and feelings to take a step back.

If you’re tired, overwhelmed and things are feeling chaotic, maybe it’s time for you to stop saying ‘yes’ and allow yourself time to rest. Just for a while.

You’ll rebound and propel forward later, but only if you allow yourself some down-time first.

Lessons from Jerry

I’m a huge fan of Jerry Seinfeld. He makes it all look so effortless—one joke after another, so spontaneous that you’d swear he’s making it up on the spot. But what most people don’t realise is the incredible amount of effort Jerry puts in before he ever steps on stage. I even heard he spent two years perfecting a single joke!

He’s deeply committed to his process, meticulously writing each joke on a yellow pad, always with the same type of pen.

He says: “In my world, the wronger something feels – the righter it is”.

It hit me like a bolt. Trading is just like that. For 99% of people, it’s unfathomable to work on anything… let alone a joke about pop tarts. Yet with trading, that’s what I’m asking you to do. Work at something that seems counter-intuitive in many ways, so you can derive a reward blocked off to others who are always on the lookout for shortcuts.

Because we’re social creatures, our sense of shame is there to keep us in line with group norms. If we step out of line, and try something different, like trading for a living instead of becoming a doctor, the way our Dad wanted us to, it feels like we’re taking a huge risk. The potential of being alienated from our group is scary as heck. And we wonder why the decision to trade can feel so monumental!

So what can you do about it?

1. Listen to your own self talk
   
   Hear how you address yourself and make an effort to at least notice when you’re heading down a path of self-degradation. The shame you feel is associated with a particular behaviour or event, it isn’t part of who you are at your core.
   

2. State what you’re feeling

State why you feel this way, and see if you can explore the source of your shame. Is it because you made a mistake, didn’t follow your trading plan, or that you feel you let your spouse down? Can you identify whether this is triggering off any earlier memories.

3. Be gentle with yourself

See if you can replace your negative self-talk with compassion. Talk to people you can trust and get support when you need it. Often when we open up about a problem we find that others have felt the same way and this de-tooths the emotion.

The key is to catch your emotions before you spiral into toxic shame. According to Taylor Draughn, if you are really debilitated by feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing, you may need to seek help to escape from its grip. Finding a friend, or a professional you can talk to may just be exactly what you need in order to move on.

So if you’ve hit a rough patch in the markets, it can all seem insurmountable. Know that every successful trader has gone through this in the past and managed to persist and go onto greatness. Trading success can take longer than we first think. It’s OK. 

To join the ranks of elite traders, take some time for some serious reflection. Recognise that trading psychology is the main thing separating the professionals from the amateurs, and don’t discount the importance of keeping things simple, and relying on the support of other traders.